being emmaline, being sarah

letters to emmaline – 3 months old

Dear Emmaline,

Since day 1, you’ve surprised me. From the morning I saw that + sign, to how my body effortlessly reacted to you growing in my belly, to your birth story and these first 3 months with you – you have been unpredictable in the most beautiful way.

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In the midst of all the frantic “what do we do”s and “Rylie never did this,” you have made us smile, giggle, and made our hearts grow.

I probably would have denied it at the time, but looking back on it now, I was bummed when we found out you were a girl. Please hear my heart when I tell you that this was a very short lived feeling, and solely built on fear. I was oblivious to my ability to raise another girl. I honestly felt unqualified to raise one girl let alone two, and I was scared that one day you would realize I had nothing of value to offer you. But shortly after that appointment, the Lord told me not only did I have gobs to offer you, but I also needed to trust Him, so I did. And the second the doctor held you up so I could see you for the first time, a wave of love came over me that I can’t even describe and I instantly cried and I couldn’t stop even after they placed you in my arms.

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Emmaline Victoria, I had no idea how much I need you, but God knew. God knew how badly my heart needed you. I need everything that you are and everything that you will be.

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You may be tiny, but you’ve already taught me so much in these short 3 months.

You taught me that siblings can be polar opposites when it comes to baby-care. You’ve taught me that it is possible for a 2 month old to eat 8oz of milk and not spit any of it back up, and you’ve taught me that even through a sleepless night I can learn something.

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No, I did not want to be awake from 11pm – 4am on a worknight. Yes, I would have much rather caught up on sleep instead of going into the office. But something I’ve learned as a parent is you will sacrifice pretty much anything to give your kids what they need. I would have loved to wake up feeling rested, but Emmaline was screaming in discomfort and exhaustion, and I knew she needed her mama to hold her, cuddle her, and kiss her while telling her it was going to be okay and work through it with her. But when we were both able to finally fall asleep, and I opened my eyes one last time to make sure she was okay, I saw her looking back at me and smiling, as if to say, “I love you Mama! Thank you.” 💕

 

You keep us on our toes little love, but your smiles are the sweetest and not a day goes by that I don’t kiss your chubby cheeks and thank God that I get to be your mama.

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I love you, little love!

xoxo,

-Mama

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