I didn’t want girls.
Before kids, I told people I wanted four kids – boy, boy, girl, boy. The only reason the girl was even in the mix was because I thought I would want a little buddy. Otherwise, I was perfectly content being a “boy mom.” Everyone else thought this as well – Aaron, family, close friends. It was like a “no duh!” we were going to have boys.
I was a tomboy by nature, MARVEL was my jam and I was not a fan of the color pink. I just assumed we would always have boys.
Then we found out Rylie was a girl. I was apologetic to Aaron (if you watch our video when we found out, I apologized to him hahaha) and cried later that night, feeling like this news was a disappointment to the family. Quickly told otherwise, I decided that Rylie was going to be my 1 girl and the rest of the kids would be boys. Okay, great! Doable. I told some friends of mine “I don’t know what to do with a girl!? What if she likes pink?” hahahaha. I laugh now, but it was a real concern of mine.
I found my rhythm rather quickly after she was born and honestly I couldn’t imagine life without Rylie. She was exactly what I needed. Joyful, hilarious, brave, and emotionally lowkey – nothing really bothered her.
When I found out I was pregnant with baby #2, I was 100%, without a shadow of a doubt convinced it was a boy.
- I was destined to be a boy mom, remember?
- I had my girl. Now it was time for boys.
- My 1st trimester was completely, night and day different than it was with Rylie. Everything. So naturally I thought it was the opposite gender.
I went through half my pregnancy thinking I was having a boy. Aaron and I picked out a boy name weeks before our gender reveal and even called the baby “he” on accident a few times. We were certain. And then we were handed the ultrasound picture which clearly indicated another girl. If you watch the video, I’m shocked, but once the camera was turned off, I said, “what the heck!?” in a sassy tone haha. Again, feeling guilty that I was not providing this family boys, I had a little chit-chat with the Lord in my car on the way to Highlands College that night. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.” I said, “I’m supposed to have a boys! What am I supposed to do with another girl!?” Instantly, I heard in reply, “she is exactly what your family needs. What you need. Your family is incomplete without her.”
I held on to that word, but I still wasn’t sure how I was supposed to do this. A few weeks later, I was venting my concerns to my close friend. She asked me some questions and I told her I felt so unqualified to raise two girls. When she asked why, I responded, “because I’m not girly. I don’t feel like I have anything of value to offer them.” And then, without even thinking about it, the real root of the fear came out of my mouth. “I feel like one day they’re going to realize I have nothing of value to offer them, and they’ll try to find it somewhere else and they’ll end up like I did as a teenager.” This sweet friend of mine graciously encouraged me that I was more than qualified to raise these girls, and that I didn’t have to be girly to add value to their lives. I shared these same words with another good friend of mine that I’ve trusted with my secrets since middle school and she told me “I think your past makes you even more qualified to raise girls. I always thought you would be an incredible girl mom.” ❤
For the remainder of my pregnancy, I was really walking that out in my heart. God told me our family would be incomplete without Emmaline, and then spoke through my two closest friends that I was qualified to do this, despite my past. I have value. And I had value worth sharing.
When Emmaline was born a few months later, I cried when I saw her for the first time. I felt an overwhelming amount of love flood towards her. How could I even have thought I wanted someone different?
So here we are – I’m currently a “girl mom,” we’re wearing matching shirts (something I said would never happen hahahaha) and I seriously cannot imagine my life without either one of them. I love them so so so much.
Rylie will be 2 years old next week and she brings me so much joy. I laugh every single day because of her, and her bravery keeps me active. She has the sweetest heart and loves to care for others.
Emmaline may only be 6 months old, but she continues to grow me. She is joyful and passionate, which is tough as an infant but as she gets older proves to be a valuable trait. Our first 6 months together were incredibly hard, but she has truly been a gift to our family and it’s hard to remember life before her. As always, God was right. She is exactly what I needed.
I want you to know that God hears what you want, but ultimately, He will give you what you need. Even if it’s hard. God took me (and is still leading me) on a journey. I needed to face some demons that were hiding in the corners of my heart, and I’m a better person for it.
Now don’t get me wrong, I still dress comfy casual 90% of the time and MARVEL is still my favorite universe, but I do like the color pink now 😛 I’ve embraced some girly things (that I actually love!) and have already started planning some special moments with my girls as they grow up.
I am so thankful for my little girl gang!
Also, can any other mama’s relate to trying to take pictures with your kids? I figure I’ll just keep looking at the camera and smiling 😛