I understand this tension. The frustration. The “why can’t you just…” Our children who don’t handle change or new things smoothly can leave us feeling ill-equipped, conflicted and also annoyed (at our kids and ourselves).
Emmaline, who is so incredibly caring, funny, creative and kind is my child who does not handle change or new situations well.
I first noticed it when she was super outgoing, talkative and laughing at home or those she was familiar with and then shrinking into shyness and tears when presented with a new environment or activity. Honestly, I sorta pushed it aside. She was so young I really didn’t think much of it. Then we went to the dentist, and I noticed it. More than just “the 3 year old is scared of the dentist.” Like, I put together the puzzle pieces. And I noticed it really bothered me because I didn’t know how to handle this abrupt shift in my daughter.
I called my mom, and she reminded me I was that way too. She said she felt all the things I was feeling until she concluded “my daughter needs space to retreat.” Wow.
Now, when something new or unfamiliar is on our calendar, we prepare days, weeks in advance for Emmaline. We bring it up – “hey, remember the dentist appointment is next week. This is what he’s going to do and you’re going to be so brave, huh!? And remember, he’ll give you a sticker and a prize afterwards for doing so good. Do you want to play pretend dentist now to practice?”
Gymnastics was another one we prepared for. We hyped it up every day that week “XXX days until your first gymnastics class!!!! How are you feeling?” and when the big day came, I wrapped up some hand-me-down leotards a friend had gifted us for Emmaline to help build the excitement. She was hyped.
We got there early to get settled and I knew we’d need the extra time. She maintained her excitement but, as I expected, my sweet Emmaline’s emotions shifted from anticipation to fear right as class was starting. I saw her face change and tears filled her eyes. I comforted her, validated her feelings and reminded her of the excitement and joy she had felt leading up to this event. Her teacher encouraged her, explaining how fun class would be and how we’d be watching her. Emmaline (with the help of her teacher) got into the lesson and left saying she had a great time.
For the next 2 weeks, this was our routine, but by the 4th class she was confident and a leader to her classmates.
8 months later, she froze again. Not because of the gymnastics class transfer, or the new teacher, but because her new teacher was out and there was a substitute.
I watched from the viewing area as she retreated into her big sisters arms and her shoulders stayed by her ears with her arms pulled into her body like she was trying to crawl into a shell. I walked down the stairs, called her out of class, and I held her tight while talking about what was going on in her head and emotions. I got pieces, enough to know this was not going to be easy and I was going to have to just make an executive decision.
I validated her feelings and could have chosen to let her sit with me while we watched her class (like she had asked me), but I chose to push her – to challenge her. I told her to sit against the wall and watch her class until she felt ready and I went back to the parent room.
I watched her eye the group for a while before finally getting up and walking over to them. She still didn’t fully participate, but she was with them and smiling – and that was a win for me.
So if your child is like this, I understand. It can be hard but I encourage you to give them space to retreat without giving up. Validate their feelings without giving them permission to always feel that way. New things are intimidating, absolutely! But we can also help them overcome fear, paralyzing emotions and embrace the new venture. I’m not saying it’s easy – it take effort, strategy and prayer on our part. But it’s worth it. It’s growing us and them.