At the end of March, we pursued two boys who needed a family. On paper, we were perfect for them. However, three days later, we were told we could’t adopt them because we already had children. I was furious. Hurt. I sobbed for days. I felt so lost and broken.
The whole month of April, I had a really hard time with God.
I honestly didn’t feel like worshiping. My prayers were routine and empty and my tone was one of hurt. I was confused because I felt like God was withholding and I had become hurt and angry.
This is the song that I constantly played —
“I’m gonna sing ’til my heart starts changing
Oh, I’m gonna worship ’til I mean every word
‘Cause the way I feel and the fear I’m facing
Doesn’t change who You are or what You deserveI give You my worship
-Worthy of My Song by Phil Wickham
You still deserve it
You’re worthy, You’re worthy
You’re worthy of my song
I’ll pour out Your praises
In blessing and breaking
You’re worthy, You’re worthy
You’re worthy of my song”
Because even though I didn’t understand, I still knew He was worthy of my praise.
In May, still angry and hurt, I reached out to the person who had deemed us unfit and kindly but firmly shared my heart with them. Within the same afternoon, I was immensely humbled because I got more information that proved God had kept that door closed to keep our family safe. To keep us healthy. The situation wasn’t the BEST for us. And I cried again because I realized how good God had been to us.
Like a good father, He held me while I kicked and screamed and pounded on the door desperately. Not knowing the trauma these boys had gone through that would have been too much for our young family to withstand.
Is He withholding? No
Has waiting been painful? Yes
But I know sometimes God permits what He hates to accomplish what He loves.
And I can make peace with that.