It is said that a Christian has two birthdays – the day they were physically born and the day they are spiritually born because they ask Christ to take over their life.
Today, January 6th, I celebrate 10 years of being in relationship with God.
5 years ago, for the very first time publicly, I shared my testimony on the blog. As time has passed and wounds have healed, God has prompted me to share more intimate parts of my story at random times throughout the years.
Today I want to, again, share my testimony in hopes that God will use it to touch you and give you hope, encouragement, or answer questions you have in your own life.
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I always remember being in church twice a week. I prayed the salvation prayer when I was 5 years old because I thought that was what I was supposed to do and I thought all my friends were doing it too. My FOMO (fear of missing out) kicked in hahahah Plus, I really didn’t want to go to that other place, that sounded scary.
As the years passed, I really just went through the motions. I attended service, I memorized Bible verses, I stayed out of trouble, I prayed (usually in a “God, if you keep me from getting sick, I’ll do whatever you say.” way). The lessons I was taught was “do this. do that. God will be happy with you then.” at least, that’s how I heard it.
My entire life, my family was unhealthy. I was in a physical and verbally abusive environment constantly and home was not a safe place I wanted to be for long periods of time. I had absolutely no self-confidence, I was desperate for validation (& looking for it in all the wrong places) and craved some form of “good” in my life. I became extremely depressed my Junior year of high school and developed an eating disorder, self-harmed myself regularly and considered suicide for a brief time. But I had this inkling of hope that one day, things had to get better. It couldn’t stay this way forever, right!? Plus, I had a younger brother who was my best friend and I couldn’t leave him to deal with this hell-on-earth alone.
I grew to be very angry at God because I didn’t understand what I did wrong to deserve the life I had. Since He obviously wasn’t doing squat for me, I decided I wasn’t going to put up with the “have to’s” anymore, so I shut out anything that was pointing towards God. I went to church to see my friends and get out of my house, but I wasn’t interested in a thing they had to say.
I graduated high school with a cussing, crude, brick-wall personality, but God saved me from going any further by introducing me to a man far better than I thought I deserved at the time. The day after I graduated I met my husband. Over the next 6 months, he showed me what real, healthy love looks like through his patience and gentle affection. Despite my cussing, crude, and brick wall disposition, he fell in love with me. He regularly talked about God and his presence was a true light in my dark life. He had something… I knew it. My heart slowly began to soften and a few months into our relationship, I figured since he could love me (with all my imperfections & brokenness)maybe there was a chance that God could too. But I had already made a lot of mistakes and was so broken. I was convinced God wouldn’t want me. I added no value to Him. I was unlovable.
In January of 2013, Aaron and I flew down to Alabama (from Seattle, WA) to meet his family. That Sunday (January 6th, 2013), we attended Church of the Highlands. Aaron had gone a couple times before he moved to Seattle, but it was my first time and I had never seen “church” done this way before. It was so welcoming, transparent, and fun! I looked around the room during worship and saw all the people who had their hands raised, loving every word they were singing. Then the message came. The boring part. However, for the first time, I actually understood what the pastor. He wasn’t using “Christian words,” he was using simple, “cookies on the bottom shelf” words. He didn’t make me feel guilty or give me a list of rules to follow, he just said no matter what I had gone through and no matter what decisions I had made, God still wanted me and was desperately pursuing me. My mind was blown. I only knew God as a God of “you have to, or else,” not a God that is deeply in love with me and wants a relationship with me despite my flaws. I knew I wanted THIS God. I asked for forgiveness and that God would come into my life that day. If you want to hear the message, click here.
I spent the next several weeks detoxing my life – I stopped cussing (some words still slipped for a while but now I can’t even believe some words that used to come out of my mouth) and I got baptized a couple months later (another thing I did as a child for popularity status). I could feel my walls breaking down. It was such a beautiful time of God showing me who he really was and I had so many “are you for real!? that’s amazing!” moments. Aaron was very kind and answered all kinds of questions I had and I could tell my life was better. Not because my family was healthier (it was actually worse) or my life was easier, but because I finally understood who God was. A relational God. A loving God. The bad things that were not going on were not a punishment from Him, and I began to heal.
Fast forward to today, Aaron and I have been married for 8 1/2 years with four beautiful children and adopted ones on the way. We moved to Alabama in 2015 to be a part of the church I got saved at and attend their college because we both felt like God was calling us into ministry (which I fought for a while because I didn’t think God could use me). We graduated in 2018 with honors (a testament to God’s ability to turn things around because I graduated a C student in High School).
Life has not been perfect. In fact, life has still be hard. Really hard. But I find so much comfort and peace clinging to a God that is bigger than it all. A God who loves a broken world and sent His son to redeem it. A God who fights for us, challenges us and truly changes who we are in the best way.
I’m so thankful for a God who constantly desires to be my best friend, who loves and cherishes me, and has been so faithful (even when I didn’t see it in the moment).
There are so many things I could share about my relationship with Him, the conversations we’ve had, the areas I’ve grown in. But the bottom line is 10 years ago I was a completely different person. You wouldn’t recognize me truthfully, and I know that because when I start sharing what 18-year-old me was like, people don’t believe me and I have to add, “I was a very different person then.” I was incredibly beat up, lifeless, hopeless. But God walked straight up to me and broke every lie I had ever believed, changed every thought I had and hugged me tightly. He changed my life forever.
