“I’m being selfish.” – my decision to stop nursing my baby

I know the title of this post threw you off. I know because if I read it with no backstory, I’d be confused too.

Nursing is a part of motherhood I never expected to be difficult. God designed our bodies to grow another human being, that in and of itself is absolutely incredible to me. I was made to do that. So I just assumed I was made to nurse as well.

What I didn’t know was how much work it takes.

Rylie made me a mom, and with that new job title came a lot responsibilities – some I knew of and others I did not. One of the responsibilities I did not know about was in order to nurse I had to take care of myself. Drink LOADS of water, eat full meals, etc. So when I took her to a doctor appointment at 3-months and they told me she was under weight and I needed to supplement. It didn’t take long for my supply to disappear altogether.

I was determined to have a different experience with Emmaline, however we had to make the switch while she was 3-months-old too because she ate so much and my work schedule would not let me take the necessary time to pump and boost my supply.

But round 3 I knew was going to be a success. I bought things in advance to prepare for the job and was very intentional with my diet and water intake. I pumped multiple times at night (even though Paisley was sleeping) which resulted in the best freezer stash I’ve ever had. For the first time, there was a chance I could make it a full year exclusively nursing.

I faced some setbacks. Mastitis being the biggest one. I considered throwing in the towel when Paisley was 2-months because I couldn’t believe I had gotten this infection three times within 6-weeks. But I fought through it and was determined to make it work. I did all the things to boost my supply again but the third infection completely killed one side. When the fourth round (that’s right – I got mastitis four times!) came in my left side (it made about 4x as much as my right side), I could tell my supply had dipped. And I could tell that Paisley was not a fan.

Like I had for the past few months, I fought to boost my supply. Fought to keep her nursing. Fought to fulfil this 3+ year dream of mine. And then one day, I made a choice.

I was rocking in my rocking chair feeding Paisley and watching her squirm and fuss after just a few minutes, clearly indicating she was still hungry and disheartened that I had nothing left to offer her except a bottle.

And in that moment, I felt selfish. My body was clearly done and my baby was unsatisfied. I would rather she be full and happy through formula than continually watching her suffer just to fulfill a “dream.”

So all that to say, we have switched to formula for the third time before 6-months. It’s easy for me to look at this story and feel defeated, frustrated and sad. But I’ve chosen to look at it from another perspective.

I’m proud of myself.

Proud that I fought so hard to give my baby something not everyone can. Proud that I fought through being so sick with mastitis four times. Proud that I sacrificed my convenience and comfort for my baby’s health and wholeness. And I’m also proud that I could step back, look at her and chose what was best. To set aside what I wanted in order help her grow physically and emotionally.

I wanted to share my journey not to boast or insist breastfeeding is the best way because I know both sides of the coin and I know at the end of the day, it’s all hard. It’s all exhausting and sometimes you just need someone to tell you you’re awesome, you’re a great mom and it’s hard. Babies are hard. They require so much of us.

I wanted to share my story to encourage that mama out there who feels like she’s failing because she can’t nurse her baby. I know that feeling all too well. I also know the emotions that follow it. “I was created to do this. So why can’t I? Before formula, my baby would have starved. I’m such a bad mom because I can’t provide for my child.”

Mama, I know these lines can play over and over in our heads. So I hope and pray that you read this and know that it is NOT your fault at all! You have been blessed to live in a day where there are alternative options for feeding your infant. You also are not alone. If nothing else, know that I understand. And know that you are seen.

Anyway, I’m going to hop off and make my baby girl’s bottle. 5oz of warm water and two scoops from a can. And I’m at peace about all of it. Because at the end of the day, healthy is happy.