raw and tender

I haven’t talked about the adoption much lately, and I’ve spent literally weeks trying to think what to say. What to share. Not because I feel obligated, because I like talking about it. But ultimately, we are in the waiting season – the valley. And that’s just a hard place to be. There are no updates. Nothing new. Just my own thoughts and what God is doing IN me.

Every adoptive family has their own journey, and every adoption has their own trials. I’ve connected with families who have adopted multiple children and they’ve said each one was its own kind of hard.

After sitting on the stairs yesterday (2.27), wind blowing & tears flowing, I just feel like God is asking me to keep things private for now. The scripture that says, “Mary kept all these things (private), reflecting on them in her heart.” (Luke 1:29 & Luke 2:19) and there is so much going on in my heart. It’s raw and tender and even though I have gotten comfortable sharing the ugly truth and unseen moments of adoption on socials, I just can’t with this. It’s too intimate and I’m sensitive.

I have desires to share the vulnerableness of this valley one day, I truly think it would speak to people, especially those in the adoption world. But for now, it’s staying in my circle.

We’re in the waiting. And even in the waiting we know God is doing things on our behalf. Please hear me when I say my faith is strong and I can see blessings God is gifting me day-to-day. But I believe you can know the Truth and still have feelings and questions and heartache. It doesn’t make you less, it makes you human.

I also wanted to make sure this update did get on the blog… even though if you follow me on social media this is old news.

We presented to an expectant mama on January 30th and after almost 2-weeks of waiting, we found out she chose another family to raise her son. Aaron and I both felt peace about it, but I still cried and my heart felt extra fragile for a few days. The social media post said –

On Friday evening we heard from our consulting firm and Mama did not choose us. 
Thank you for praying for God’s will this past week+. 
Our hearts are tender but we are so happy Mama found a precious family who gets to love that boy well. We know God has the perfect baby(s) for us & we’ll keep working + believing until that “yes” comes.

The song Delightful by Hillsong United says it best –
“So I’ll wait long as Heaven takes
One day I’ll see the joy You make of this
How You take my sorrow and You turn it into delight”

But what social media didn’t tell you was we had named him, dreamt of life with him, etc. And I still think of mama and that little boy. I think of the family that gets to love him and I am truly so excited for them and pray they love him well and raise him to be the man of God he was created to be. I have no tears for it, but Aaron and I have said his name a few times lately and it just makes it real.

So I guess the real update can be summed up like this – I’m keeping my eyes on Jesus, because that’s what He has asked me to do.

I listen to my Adoption playlist almost every day. It’s filled with songs that encourage me, speak Truth, can express how I feel and even bring out emotions I’m suppressing. One that I listen to regularly is the song Seasons by Hillsong. The bridge says –

I can see the promise
I can see the future
You’re the God of seasons
I’m just in the winter
If all I know of harvest
Is that it’s worth my patience
Then if You’re not done working
God I’m not done waiting